2006-03-29 - 2:46 a.m.

What an absolutely dizzying ebb and flow.

At one minute in this life, riding a crest of love, bliss, beatitude. Nearly two years of shared joy. Then that love between us dissolved..... barely any remnants left, a distant 'friendship' which is exagerrating to even call it that... And from love, from the Zion of spirit, came a bitterness, consuming anger, even fantasies of hatred. the Shadow devoured me. I went days without sleeping or eating. Gradually slipping into gaping jaws, surrounded by a suffocating chasm, tendrils reaching out to incessantly slice into me and draw blood. Such was my fall from Heaven.

How I cried for her... how I yearn for you. Even months after this dissolution (summer '05) terrible nightmares haunt me. Always visions of her, and me screaming out, crying, asking for a wisp of understanding. Or empathy. Anything to reach out to rather than this blankness...

But I re-gained my footing! Blessings, blessings. Now the phoenix arises from the ashes, a new skin is formed, rejuvenated cells and consciousness. How many times we die... how many times we again emerge from the womb.

And a death of another sharing of beauty. Can't you see that I love you? This death resulted from misunderstanding---always the primary cause of ill will. It culminated in her wishing upon me a painful death; calling me weak, various other damning insults--a curse placed upon me. Can you imagine ever wishing a painful death upon someone, even in your darkest moment of anger? But nonetheless it is what has happened. Dissolution once again...

These kind of events are exactly what bruise the psyche, what makes children forever leave the grove of Innocence, eternally clouded by fogs of cynicism and doubt. But not I... No, my aura has swelled with the depths of Hell, but my karma now is to help beings out of Hell rather than joining the denizens. Infinite compassion. It requires a swelling of the heart, an opening of one's Higher energies. And above all a loosening of attachment........ we hold on so obsessively to what occurs in this life. The mind sticky, gluing to the past. Harmony is not holding on to the highs and lows and neutrals... it is to jump head in with such devotion that you forget your entire history.

Clean slate.. such is what I am un-writing in my existence. A warrior's courage and bodhisattvic pledge. "Countless beings suffer, I vow to help them all." It is the obsessive clinging-on to life that is the supreme neurosis, the ceaseless cycle of suffering. Our mind, while liberating us from the dimness of animal life, simultaneously damns us. Thus one must perfectly balance this godsent ability.

Here's Hesse:
"To achieve this cheerful serenity is to me, and to many others, the finest and highest of goals. Such cheerfulness is neither frivolity nor complacency; it is supreme insight and love, affirmation of all reality, alertness on the brink of all depths and abysses; it is a virtue of saints and of knights; it is indestructible and only increases with age and nearness to death. It is the secret of beauty and the real substance of all art. The poet who praises the splendors and terrors of life in the dance-measures of his verse, the musician who sounds them in a pure, eternal present--these are bringers of light, increasers of joy and brightness on earth, even if they lead us first through tears and stress."

Yes.. this is the finest of goals. All the poisons have entered me, and each time I learn how to effectively transmute them as a healthy extension of my being. To gladly consume all that could destroy someone.... and to transform it into Spiritual fuel. The alchemical Great Work. 4th Plateau Glimpsed. The mental eye opens a bit further with each sunset that passes... Shanti on the horizon.

The evolutionary force inside is termed Kundalini. It is also maya shakti. That is, the dynamic power that veils the true nature of reality; it contributes to our illusory sensation of separateness, of being a sad lonely little ego in a vast uncaring sea. God knows the days I have felt such isolation, lonely, tender, wide-eyed in suffering, alienated from the pulsing world, standing aloft and lost in my thoughts. But with more quietude I understand... Maya, that which veils and obscures the spirit, keeping us occupied with our infinite mundane cycles, simultaneously unveils. The more the crucible is Purified.. the more unveiled is the Spirit, and the more space the gods within have to roam....